My Life, Part of my family

I wonder what I have done
that makes you people hate me.
When I talk you will judge me
but when I keep my mouth shut
it will be a problem to u.

I'm confused.
I'm really am.
What should I do to please you
when I tried to be friendly
you take it the wrong way.

You tell lies behind my back
never thinking how u make me look
if you expect me to change
you will help and guide me.
Instead you leave me
wondering,crying
thinking what have I done to deserve this.

Whatever good I have done towards you.
I have never think about it.
Everyone is not perfect
Everybody has flaws.
I am trying my best to be a better person.
And if u expect respect from me.
You should also have this respect for me.
But u don't and u will never do.

You think you so righteous.
Well if you do.
U stop criticizing me
u stop thinking bad things about me
When I did something wrong.
There u go..
words hurts..it really does..
I cant help being sensitive and to cry about it.
Why can u ever be kind.
And tell me nicely pointing out my mistakes.
Instead of being prejudiced.
And when I tried explaining myself
you will say we know you.
You never want to lose and you always have your reasons.

If I do..why am I sitting here crying.
Who is winning..Who is losing..
tell me now..
I am pondering when will this ends..
all this negative vibe and hatred coming
its way towards me..towards my heart.

And if your saying
I don t appreciate life.
Let me tell you I do.
Thats why Im trying my best to
be near to Allah.
And each night I give my Doa's to him.
Thanking him for everything I had.
And asking for forgiveness.
Each day I tried pushing off my hatred against you people.
My own family,my flesh and blood.
I don't keep grudges but if you think I do
thats just your mindset.
Since I cant communicate towards you
I rather type it down.

Its hard to see me smile
it vanishes a long time ago.
When my beloved grandpa left me.
Stranded alone in this world
trying to find my way.
Each day I waited for my death.
Hoping to end all this misery.
Tired of faking .
Tired of moving on.
Facing the same thing each day.

But I will never ever want to leave
before my mum does.
I have to finish memorizing The Holy Qur'an
for that was my grandfather wish
before he died.
Im going to fulfilled it insyallah.
No matter how bad life is
Im grateful for it
and thankful for whatever I have.
And if mistakes is all i've ever did.
Just remember you are not the judge of me.
And that is why I m never afraid of u.
Always remember that fate is from Allah
no matter how much you say or judge me.
Its not important to me no more.
Cause I only give my respect to who is needed to be respected.

I thank Allah for giving me a wonderful life.
No matter how bad it is
It will turns out wonderfully.
That’s the best thing about life.
My life. Your life. Our life
Thanks Allah for everything.
For every hardship I encountered.
To make me stronger.

©hasanah_poems