sigh

Its Hard When you have to watch the person you love, love someone else.

i guess i really did hurt him. I don't know what else to do. Today some elderly talk to me in marrying somebody and im like i have nothing wit him. I don't even know whether it was really me ,because he talked about whether he can marry a muslim. At that point of time, all i feel was guilt. How in the world am i his first love in singapore when i know he was dating someone before me.
That matters aside, I don't even know how am i suppose to ever get my boyfriend back. After all that happened, yeah i couldn't deny the fact i love the guy in singapore but then again when i was with this guy in singapore, i went over to k.l just to meet him. Its like i really love him, i truely do but there is nothing i can do to prove to him or what. Cause all he can see is the love i have for another. Then again, i keep feeling lost and confused each time he give me this we are friends with deep feelings, or we are not together. And i know he has kept himself for 4 years and being so clean , he is disgusted by me and that really scares me. And im grateful for his existance but sometimes i just want him to make his stand so i know whether i should still wait for him. I am waiting but i guess he thinks im doing craps here. I guess things has been hard for him to see me writing love things about someone else and he only had me. But i wish he know how i was struggling here too. I pushed myself away from the crowd so i wouldn't be seen as if im mingling. I only had sabrina here to hang out till morning and now she isn't here. And those people i know are back in Nigeria. Its like really you think i wanna be with Melvin? yeah i would hv been with him if i want to but i don't. To think i cry to Mlvn telling him that my passport isn't done and i want to be there for YOUR birthday and not be in this country. So does this means i love mlvn more than you? No i don't think so. yeah at times im like i dont want to be with u because i want to be with you but the distance and i know u dont trust me. it hurts ok. and now after all uve said, yeah you doubting me, and im feeling the same way too. But i know i love you mister hero of mine. And i wish u try to understand that in any circumstances, i still do. I just hope u are good there in k.l and yeah im coping here as hard as it seems. I'm still smiling. =) cause only myself knows how i feel for you. and words can never be expressed it all. oh well im still young, and i just wanna save up for my education and then be truely independent on my own. So for now, ill just keep waiting till i'm much more matured to think about all this love stuff. =) thank you the break but im not going to look for another boyfriend here. cause it was all YOU that is in my heart. i might love mlvn but as a friend. a closefriend of mine that is. am not trying to convince anybody at all.